It's Still Murder Kroger to Me

I've been shopping at the same Kroger supermarket since the early 2000s, when it was commonly referred to as "Murder Kroger", I guess because poor black people shop there and white people are racist as hell? Since East Nashville's white citizens are woke* now, we just call it "Kroger, Not the Nice One", but I'd like to make an official motion to bring back "Murder Kroger", because the next time I have to scan my own groceries there, I very well might fucking kill someone.

Let's start with the line for the self-checkout, which is really less of a "line" and more of a hero's journey that starts at the pharmacy (a call to adventure), snakes down and around the ice cream aisle (meet mentors with magical powers, Ben, Jerry), and impedes all access to the seasonal candy (the first test).

The reason I answer the call to adventure is because Kroger carries my peppermint stick ice cream, coconut popsicles, and the fancy non-alcoholic craft beer I like (reward). These dietary staples are non-negotiable, or I'd never shop anywhere but Aldi, where German efficiency (and actual lower prices in exchange for bagging your own groceries) reigns.

Kroger has a dozen-ish self-scan stations "supervised" by one attendant, who is more often than not, supervising Tik Tok on their phone. Hell, if I were 16 years old, I'd probably be sneaking a peek at my phone, too. But you know what I wouldn't be doing? Scanning someone's fancy non-alcoholic craft beer. Because that is against the law.

If you are under 18, not only are you not old enough to drink alcohol--you are not old enough to look at my state issued ID and determine whether I am old enough to drink alcohol. EVEN THE KIND THAT DOESN'T HAVE ANY ALCOHOL IN IT.

Needless to say, this law irks every last drop of bejeezus out of me. Especially now that I've been conscripted to do quite literally everything else that a checkout clerk used to get paid to do. Let's set aside the fact that non-alcoholic beer (and cold medicine) is still classified as alcohol and requires an ID check, which is why Tennessee can't have nice things. Why is it that a 16 year old whose only job is to stand there and deter theft has to go track down an old person, every time someone wants to buy a six pack or bottle of wine?

I assume it's because their underage friends might come in and try to buy alcohol while they're on shift, and lawmakers are worried they'll cave to peer pressure and someone might have a good time. But how many friends can one kid have that warrants inconveniencing all of the adult customers who are now CLERKING AT KROGER FOR FREE. No amount of friends, is what I'm saying.

Yesterday Kroger must have been short staffed**, because no one was manning the checkout, and I stood there with my pretend beer and my "NEEDS HALP" light blinking for 11 minutes--which is a shitload of minutes in grocery store time--before an over-18 person ambled over to check my ID. Their vibe was very much "You're the one who had to go and buy something complicated like alcohol." (IT. WASN'T. EVEN. ALCOHOL.)

But it could have been. And for the two other shoppers whose HALP lights were also blinking, it was. It's not like Kroger sells alcohol begrudgingly. They carry every brand of beer imaginable. Three rows of wine. And a dedicated block for mixers. It is a destination. Yet this gentleman was acting like we all three just happened to roll up at the same time with the same obscure variety of truffle. WHO COULD HAVE SEEN THAT COMING?

I'm going absolutely nowhere with this except to say the whole thing just makes me feel VERY ALL CAPS and like I might need to rethink coconut popsicles and peppermint ice cream, because Kroger has made it damn near impossible for me to start drinking again.

*Woke (adj.) Less overtly despicable. (A topic for a separate post.)

**During my 11 minutes in preferred customer purgatory, I saw the following people clock my HALP light and alert no one: a security card with an adult cashier right beside him, two presumably underage teenagers not assigned to self-checkout, and the cigarette/post-office/lottery/miscellaneous-sins-and-necessities-section attendant who was talking to another adult who was wearing a Kroger t-shirt (but was probably just a fan).

Photo by Christin Hume on Unsplash